dJ, vlogger, and media personality, makeda is a creative force whose craft knows no bounds, her vision for her life is as solid as her work ethic. her perspective reminds us that we can be anything we dream if we’re willing to go the miles the process requires. here, a conversation on being kind to ourselves, learning to know ourselves outside of boxes and embracing the lessons we struggle the most with.
Narrated by gem
the whole ‘where are you from’ thing is still a struggle for me. i’ve always kind of been in the middle. being in the states, i grew up with my very very very jamaican mom, so america wasn’t the apple pie experience for me, more like curry goat-oxtail-reggae music- all the time in the house so already i was a little bit of an outsider. we moved to jamaica and there i was the american. but then as I grew up, i started thinking more about how i have another side to my identity, so i just started getting more curious about rwanda and my rwandan side of my family. so when i came to rwanda, i realized that i can’t be just one thing. i’ve been here for 8 years but even till today, there’s so many things about the culture that i know & appreciate but don’t necessarily feel a part of so it really is tricky.
i sometimes feel i’m not enough of this or that but it’s never made me feel like i can’t represent because i know that i am a rwandan and i also know that i am jamaican, so i feel like i can rep whoever, whenever i want and i take comfort in knowing that. for the longest time the culture i knew most was jamaican but having learned so much about rwandan and east african culture, it has occupied so much of my mind that when i meet with jamaicans i feel out of touch. especially because everyone makes identity and identifying with something such a big deal that in situations like that, i can’t just be.
i know who i am but i don’t know how to define that. who i am as a person? i don’t know how to answer that because i don’t label that with any word. and also, i don’t want to have to say— that’s who i am. there are things that i live by and that i’m proud of—like being honest, but there are some things that i don’t like that are a part of me. sometimes i wish I was more generous or able to keep up with relationships more. it’s hard to say who makeda is.
stepping back, reviewing and then renewing. there have been a lot of things that i’ve wanted to do for a long time that i felt like i couldn’t achieve and since i started taking a hard look, i see that there are things that i can be doing that i have not done as a step to achieving the bigger things. so i’m taking responsibility but also being kinder to myself.
we live in an ageist time, where it’s like, if you haven’t done a certain thing before this time, you’ve missed your window. this especially applies to women and as much as you don’t want to adhere to outside pressure, it always seems to slide into your inner world. i’ve been reading and watching stories about people who found their stride much later in life, which is inspirational but it’s hard to internalize when people put such importance on time and age.
i have to take parts of what i learned at an office job because otherwise, it would be really easy to not produce as much as i can because i’m guided by the mood i’m in. i’ve found that if i don’t create anything, the creative juice is harder to come by. i need to make things, whether i like them or not, or whether i share them or keep them in a folder on my computer. but if i don’t do anything, it just creates more of a blockage and creating becomes that much harder. i have to tell myself sometimes, yo, you are your own boss. hold yourself accountable the way you would hold someone else accountable.
one of the things i’ve been trying to do is talk to myself the way i do to my friends and my family. i look at the way i view some of my friends or my husband or my family & how i try and tell them how great they are which then reminds me of how much i play myself because i don’t talk to myself like that, i’m so hard on myself. it’s like i’m out here just attacking myself. i recently started listening more to myself and watching the tone and message of what i say to myself. one thing i’ve noticed is when i fail at something, i don’t say to myself, you’re whack, i say, everyone thinks you’re whack and the lesson with that is that most times people are not thinking that— we’re thinking that about ourselves and we have to break out of that cycle.