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|some writing on love without attachment, love that transcends attachment, that would be nice.|  

mutsinzi, rwanda

dear mutsinzi,

thank you for writing in about love without attachment. attachment is something i’ve been chewing on for quite some time now but until today, disidentifying from people, ideas, past experiences, is single-handedly the hardest thing i’ve ever taken on. the process is slow and far from linear but the brief, sporadic moments of aha make it make sense. without rambling any further, let’s get into your request on my thoughts about love and attachment.

a good place to start is by addressing what we mean when we talk about love that transcends attachment. for me it means love without expectations— no strings attached. it’s limitless in the sense that it’s not something we can own or control. and if i’m being honest, i have yet to see a model of this love between two people. i’ve seen and experienced obsession, obligation, infatuation, admiration, respect, fondness and even fear packaged as love. for the most part of my time on earth, i believed those things to be love but the more i understand oneness and what it is to live in alignment with all that is, the clearer it is that most of us see love as a commodity we can trade for our pain, lack of self love and need for safety.

if we look at it from the perspective of ego, also known as our identity or personality, the meaning we’ve attributed to love makes sense because anything that is filtered through our ego is based on possessing and conquering— ego can only survive if it is in control. what we think is love is really just control that is birthed from insecurity which is a reflection of our complete identification with separateness. our ego has convinced us that we are separate from that which we really are— love itself. if we knew that our mere existence is love, and that every living thing is an expression of love then we wouldn’t feel like there’s a limited amount of it. we wouldn’t feel like we have to lock people up in contractual cages so that we can be guaranteed of it.

until we understand what ego is and how it runs our lives, we are not able to love without attachment because the very thing that ego needs to survive is to be attached to something. so when we say we love someone, our mind latches them onto our identity which makes it difficult for us to experience them outside of our needs and overall persona that we’ve created and desperately want for others to acknowledge and validate. if the people we love don’t behave in accordance to the picture we are painting about who we are, then the love is retracted. even when we say that we love someone unconditionally, the caveat is, “as long as you behave the way i want you to”

so many of us vacillate between loving and hating people but the two cannot coincide— love cannot turn into hate. i suppose that’s the point— love does not accommodate attachment. the very essence of love transcends any limitations or labels. it is about learning to be in harmony with another, accepting and embracing the different forms of life, one of which is humanness. only when we start to relate on a conscious level can we love without conditions— only then are we able to know the difference between truly loving someone and attaching our ego to them.

i hope this serves as a solid starting point for your own discovery about what loving without attachment feels like.

with love and appreciation,


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